But I'm a Martial Artist
by Porpoisepower
Summary: Akane is shipped off to a gay conversion camp by her family. Borrows heavily from the plot of But I'm a cheerleader. No explicit content planned, but rated for language, and situations.


But I'm a Martial Artist!

Disclaimers: Yeah we know these don't really work, but I'm merely borrowing the characters from Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma ½ and Plot stuff from But I'm a Cheerleader!

It's not necessary to have seen But I'm a Cheerleader, but it's amazing and sublime and you should watch it immediately especially if you are queer. I myself am not queer, atleast not in any accepted definable ways, and am probably the least qualified to write this fic. But purely in terms of all my queer friends and queer culture, if nothing else… I am a cheerleader. But if I stray and need to not be quite cis male heteronormative, leave a comment and I'll do my best to do better.

Please enjoy!

Chapter 1 But I'm a Martial Artist!

-Furyinkan High-

*Ding Dong Bing*

It is the end of the school day, and Nabiki is waiting for Akane outside school. Normally nobody is cooler than the 'Ice Queen'. And Nabiki didn't seem to be nervous at all, but down somewhere deep Nabiki was feeling a twinge of something. Nervousness? Regret? Hard to say, but to anybody who knew her, really knew her, they might detect she was slightly uncomfortable. But it was summer so maybe she was just hot.

"Hey Nabiki, you look hot! Did the Girl's Judo Calendar come out yet?"

Nabiki just stared at Akane. Studying her for some sort of could mostly read anybody with a glance, but sometimes Akane confused her.

"You know… that's why everybody thinks your so weird" Nabiki commented handing her the calendar.

"What are you talking about?" Said Akane idly flipping through the calendar as they started to walk home

"Yeah sure… look there's a family meeting tonight."

"What about?"

Nabiki didn't answer and just headed home. Akane scratched her head for a moment before quickly flipping through the calendar one last time, and then hurrying to catch up with her sister.

-The Tendo home -

"Taidaima!" Akane and Nabiki called out as they entered their home.

"Welcome home!" Kasumi replied taking their bags from them, and ushering them towards the family room. A pair of man sat waiting for the girls. One her father sat in his usual brown gi, and as more often than not tears were flowing freely down his cheeks.

"Oh! Akane!" he lamented as Kasumi cooed reassuringly and dabbed his face with a clean towel.

The other man grinned toothingly at Akane, but his eye were hidden behind some very dark, very cheap sunglasses. He wore a Hawaian shirt, bright pink with lots of bananas and orchids. If this wasn't bizarre enough, he seemed to have a goddamn tree growing out of his head.

"Is that a goddamn tree growing out of your head?" exclaimed Akane, who for just a moment thought she saw a tiny monkey climbing up the head tree for a tiny coconut.

"Allloooha keiki!" the strange man with the strange tree said.

"Yep definitely a tiny monkey. If he throws his poo at me, I'm out of here" Akane thought.

"I bet you be wondering why I be visiting, eh?" The man asked quickly hopping up and getting in Akane's face. Akane spooked, almost tripping backwards. Thankfully the man backed off.

"Your family and friends are concerned by certain behaviors." The man started gesturing behind him, and for the first time Akane noticed Yuka and Satori.

"Dey asked me here to facilitate a luaua and talk about how you be chasing the wahini's and not the boys."

Time stopped for a moment as everybody stared at her waiting to see her reaction. WHAT THE TINY POO FLINGING FUCK.

"I don't know what your talking about…" Akane started to defend herself

"Your favorite anime is Revolutionary Girl Utena" Soun said holding up Akane's prized videos.

"What… it's really good!"

"You can't cook" Said Kasumi.

"I can too… I just need practice" Just because she wasn't very domestic didn't mean she was gay.

"You look at pictures of girls all the time!" Yuka started.

"You do too!" Akane argued.

"No we're looking at the clothes, and not at a bunch of sweating girls wrestling" Sayuri finished, indicating Akane's new calendar.

"I have a wonderful boyfriend, Ryoga!" Akane defended

"Who's almost never around, have you even kissed him?" Nabiki queried.

"He's shy!"

"Shy's not the word I'd use" Nabiki countered.

"I let him sleep in my room!" Akane responded. Soun perked up at this.

"Wahhhhhh! My daughter's sleeping around, maybe she's not gay… just a slut!" Soun wailed.

"Daddy!" Akane screamed in shock.

"Yeah as a pig. Does he ever get nosebleeds?" Nabiki countered.

"Wahhhhhh! My daughter's not gay she into bestial encounters!

"Daddy! No I'm not. No he doesn't, why would he!"

"Wahhhhhh! My daughter has a beard she IS gay!" Everybody just decided to ignore Soun at this point.

"You were Romeo in the school play"

"You have short hair"

Akane started to cry, everybody was ganging up on her. So she was a tomboy. That wasn't her fault. Yeah she liked softball, that didn't make her gay.

"I'm not a lesbian… I'm a martial artist!" she cried in defiance.

"Woooaahh settle down now… we be here to offer you help. I run a program where we help young people like you find your roll in society and help you live a normal life" The odd man passed Akane a pamphlet entitiled "True Directions". Akane stared at the pamphlet as the man continued to blabber on about learning to be 'femine' and about her 'place' in a family home. But Akane was lost in her internal thoughts, conflicts about who she was, and what she wanted. She barely cognizant of being lead outside into a car.

Her family tried to cheer her up… talking about how she'd get to visit Hawaii, and that they'd thank her in the long term. Well Kasumi and her father did. Nabiki stayed mostly quiet. Almost apologetic.

Three long hugs later she was lead down the gangway to a plane by the odd man with a tree growing out of his head.

Several minutes later her family watched her plane fly off into the distance.

"I really think this was a bad idea." Nabiki argued for what felt the millionth time.

"Akane's a sweet girl, this is just a phase, we're just helping her through it." Kasumi assured her.

"Besides there's a lot on the line for our family" Soun stated as if this was the final word.

Nabiki still fretted. These all sounded like excuses to her. She'd tried to justify this farce, but no matter how hard she tried, she still felt like she'd abandoned something.

Author's notes:So, in But I'm a Cheerleader, they satirize several stereotypes about lesbians. I had to adopt these to Akane's character, so I made up the lesbian's can't cook crap. It's not a real thing and if you watch enough food network it's pretty clear there are some really amazing queer chefs. Kasumi's statement is about her view of what it is to be a woman and what they should be good at and their role in a family. Kasumi's a sweetheart, and I do like her character but let's face it she is pretty conservative at least when it comes to gender dynamics.


End file.
